Saturday, October 21, 2006

And That's the Way it Isn't

Oh the Humanity ! Disaster on the Beach!

And that's the way it isn't
Sunday, October 15, 2006 8:25 PM

Typical news report from a disaster or possible disaster on any given day, on any given news fraudcast......
"This is Geraldo Rivera on site here in Honolulu Hawaii with a live report of the carnage, real and otherwise. We have reports of dozens of mothers who fear their babies and small children may get woozy from all of the horribly violent, gentle swaying that some of the higher buildings are experiencing, so they are flinging them from highrise apartment buildings and hotels rather than let them live through this awful,awful,awful,awful,awful,awful symptom of the failed Bush administration. Oh my God ! Oh my God ! Oh my God !"
(meant to be off mic, "Just give me the damm thing !" - off camera assistant then hands GR a small child) "Look at this ! Look at this ! Look at this ! This is a baby ! A baby ! Do something ! Would you all just do something !?! Look at the baby ! Oh my God ! Oh my God ! Oh my God !" (diminutive Filipino woman hits Geraldo upside head. Retrieves infant) GR- "It's okay ! It's okay everybody. I have successfully reunited that poor victim of global warming and the geopolitical policies of the GOP - which lets face it, are two sides of the same coin - with it's poor mother. In closing, I'd just like to say. It's not easy being me but I'm the only one who can do it. From the,'Disaster on the Beach', I'm Geraldo Rivera, reporting and...just doing my life rescue at a time...back to you Shep."
Thanks Geraldo. We are going right now to a live report from the Komeoniwannawikiwiki Tiki Bar on the island of Maui, go ahead Greta.
"This is Greta von Vandersloot and I've got to tell you....this is the most horriffic thing I have ever experienced. We won't show you what is just to the left of me, but it is absolute carnage ! Right now I'd have to say there are at least a dozen dead or injured Yankees in this room. Apparent victims of a precautionary straifing by this Israely pilot, Hank Greenberg Jr.. Mr. Greenberg, don't you feel guilty for this carnage ? I mean yes, they did blow it in the League Championship Series. But was this really necessary ?" Mr.Greenberg "I had my orders. There was a quake. Once it got to the Yankees, we knew we had to stop it. The chain reaction could have led to the destruction of every ginjoint, pool hall and tiki bar for miles." von Vandersloot: "Don't you feel guilty for all of the innocent barmaids and exotic dancers who had to die for your ORDERS ?" Mr. Greenberg: "Hey honey, I just do my job. Oh Yeah. Go Tigers !" Reporter von Vandersloot then broke down in tears and converted to the church of "Dema-commy-kofi-ism". Later, the "dead and injured" Yankees, drank some coffee and went home in "Mr. Greenberg's" Hummer.

Meanwhile, back at FOX studios they roll out the title of their current reason to exist "Disaster on the Beach, What did Hastert Know, and when did he Know it ?"
This is Shepard Smith and we have breaking news from Nawlens Louisiana: Mayor "Wrong Ray" Naggin has just called out the National Guard and sent them on a road mission to Hawaii in support of the terrible attrocity there. "Wrong Ray" : "I have poisanally instwucted all of our bus maintainance poisonal to remove the earl from ALL of our school buses so as to avoid the sort of toxic soup that ocoied in the last devastatin' hoyacane. I understand that the quakes fault line has ekstended to the Oakland Athletics clubhouse and will be wreckin' havoc right here vay soon so I have also awded 10 tousand body bags and my law enfoicement poisanell is ol'raidy b'gun stuffin' dem sucka's fulla fokes dat is in impendin' dainja. Espaishally if day is white. Nahlens will rimain, a chowklit cita !" Shep: "The man is a saint. If only we had leadership like that in Washington." (breaks down and cries like a little girl)

bottom of screen crawl---- GOP disaster in Hawaii----Hundreds suspected dead as killer tsunami, triggered by administrations foriegn policy, rips exclusively through non-white areas of islands----Sen. Akaka says,"G. Bush hates Samoan people"---Republicans in congress demand Hastert explain where he was---Hastert appologizes for insensitively in not warning any gays who might have been present at apex of GOP quakes attack---Death toll now confirmed at up to many thousands and probably more---Stockmarket hits new high of 89,000---Stanford geophyisicist,"I think it was one of those things that just happens sometimes"---Stanford fires unbalanced professor for obscene comments regarding Bush admins. lack of responsibility in GOP coordinated, quake attack on Hawaii---Berkley faculty storms Stanford, beheads rampaging geophys. prof. for crimes against nature---Hague approves/endorses Berkley action---Stockmarket levels off---Hawaii rescue teams to hold press conf. on count/status of dead/dying---Honolulu native, "Whoa, I mean, like I was so dizzy"---Adjusted casualty count in: 0 dead, 0 injured, still, many outraged at lack of help from F.E.M.A.---Geraldo/Shep go on vacation to Hawaii, marvel at empty beaches,"Those poor people. If only we could have saved them all..."---

later on down the bottomline crawl...
4th straight year of intense coverage on "The Disaster on the Beach" inspires prisoners at Gitmo to retaliate against pol pot-ish, nazi like, gulag running guards. Strangle several with tv cable. Crush rest with big screen tv's---Sen. Durbin lauds efforts of "poor oppressed brown people. No longer will you have to bow down to the jackbooted, rethuglican guards."---God says "Screw it ! I'm ending this thing tommorow. Kiss your sorry butts goodbye."---Pres. H. Clinton, "This is your Bush legacy America."----Pres. Clinton hit by lightning strike---Rev. Falwell, "Apparently, He just couldn't wait one more day for her to be gone."--- God to reconsider impending doom action---GOP leadership officially condemns Falwell statement--- Space shuttle crew reports siting of giant fuse being lit at N.Pole---KABLOOIE !