Stoned free musings (really)

I was listening to Laura today and started laughing so hard that I lost consiousness. I tell ya, old, advice giving jewish ladies really crack me up. Anyway, next thing I knew I was spinning in circles mumbling, "Help me Mr. Wizard,Help me !" This event apparently transported me through time and definitely into looney land. Here's some of what I saw......

Michael J. Fox was the star of a big jamboree for people whose shortcomings had been cloned away. He and President Hillary, on whose shoulder his head had been grafted while he awaited "adjustments" to his new body, were about to lite the kindling at the bottom of a bonfire placed beneath the bound and gagged super patriots, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. Fox spoke. "With this flame, it is passed into law forever and all time, that the 'New and Improved Fairness Doctrine' will be enforced with fire. If anyone convicted under the new 'Anti-Insensitivity' statutes, passes the fire test, they will be free to go. 'Free to go' into the stoning room that is !!!" The crowd roared and swung their many (mutated from failed cloning experiments) limbs around in approval. Just then, 2spotlefty stormed the stage with a buck knife, a fire extinguisher, and a copy of the constitution.... Well, you see how it's going. I saved the day. Got the girl.Yeah me. Blah blah blah

Then, it was sometime in 2009. After the dems had taken ALL offices of government, right down to your dogcatcher.
There was a big signing ceremony for the "We'll Always React Really Really Fast to Attacks on America Act of 2009". President Clinton, "With the signing of this legislation, I have made it possible for all government emergency agencies to immediately begin discussing a plan for how to deal with the fact that Los Angeles is in flames...No please...please...no applause...please hold your aplause until I finish. These regulations also allow for congress to make a proposal about what to do with Chicago when the 'half life' of the contamination, from our muslim brothers last expression of political disagreement has expired. I look forward to seeing you all next week when our Surgeon General, John Edwards, unvails the results of his promise to make Chris Reed rise from the grave and walk again."

Also in the future, our energy problems are solved when a Stanford phyisicist, successfully connects giant turbine engines, to the spinning corpses of our forefathers.

The big winner at the "Balsys" (the nickname for the annual, "Ted Kennedys, Profiles in Chutzpah" awards show) was once again, Bill Clinton. He also got a lifetime achievment award for his work rewriting the history books for all grades of school.

Future news story: In what is being hailed as a bold move, the entire republican party has converted to the Nation of Islam. Pollsters confirm that it is now a stone cold lock, The GOP won't win a single race. But not one person in the media will say anything critical about them anymore. Former speaker Hastert, "I think it's a win win."

Enough absurdities, I'm gettin' a catscan.

All the Wishy that's fit to Wash

With all of the absurdity that's going on in the world, here's some of the possible news stories.

ATLAS MAKES 'BOOM BOOM WHOOPSIE !'
The AP reported today that the estate of Ayn Rand has siezed on the opportunity presented by all of the "Cut and Run Conservatives" demanding perfect, conservative candidates or they'll hold their collective breath until the congress turns blue.

"I'm just so happy that I can finally unload this thing" said Harry Binswanger, the current man in charge of publishing for the estate. "It's her worst work I must admit but it's got her name on it and there is clearly a new huge segment of the public that have aquired a taste for this sort of thing."
The book,"we the stupid", is the tale of a man, who after experiencing the success of Rands' previous novel's characters in Atlas Shrugged, decides to drop out of the scene and contemplate the full force of his one man "shrug" at the world, which is caused by America not signing the Kioto Accords. Basically, life goes on and the man, Howard Doark, fades into oblivion after getting a real bad neck ache. (I know there were no "accords" even when she died in 1982. I am using my "absurdic license") END

LIMBAUGH, NAZI OR JUST ASPIRING APARTHIEDEST ?
On Monday, Jesse Jackson stormed the grand opening of a new "Ruths' Criss" steakhouse by Rush Limbaugh with requests that Rush debate him on the relative merits of dining at the new steakhouse as opposed to eating at "Red Lobster". Suddenly and inexplicably, Mr. Jackson shouted, "So, ARE YOU A 'STEAKIST' MR. LIMBOW !?!" Rush: "No sir, I am not." This exchange prompted the NY Times to publish a story with the headline,"Limbaugh to Great Civil Rights Leader,'I THOUGHT YOU GUYS LIKED CHICKEN' " Their blog on the incident was headlined with, "Limbaugh uses 'N-word' in Attack on Great Civil Rights Leader". The content of these stories did not mention their own headlines, but they did include the launch codes for several hundred American I.C.B.M.s and there exact locations with diagrams, "Google Maps" links and the fone number to the local Ryder "Gargantuan Flatbed" Rental outlet. Mr. Limbaugh, unbelievably, had no comment in response to the Times. END


NEVER QUESTION THE WELL MEANING -
OR ELSE
The person scheduled to be the house majority leader early next year, Nancy 'Pulloutsi', unvieled the democrat partys' new slogan.
"We're the Left, Snuffing Out Intellectual Diversity From the Halls of Congress, to Every College Campus and Movie Theater and TV Station and Highschool Class and Jr. High and Elementary and Preschool Playground and Library in Existence !"
Pulloutsi, "I love the way it rolls off my tounge !"

Hollywood got in on the act with one of their own. Michael J. Fox (still recovering from vicious attacks by conservatives who had previously launched into personally targeted diatribes like "Uh uh" and "That's not correct" in response to Mr. Fox's pleas for them to stop the mass murder of his fellow handycapables) warmed up (backstage before the proceedings) with several manuevers on the parallel bars and a very impressive speed metal style tap dance routine. Then, as he approached the mic, his disease kicked in and he had to be rolled out to the unvieling. He held up a simple, hand made sign, that looked as though it had been made by a guy with little or no muscle control. "9r8g598uyhgbhk8tyn 3hv" is all it said. His personal translator translated," This is MJ Fox - I Make it Up, Then You Decide". END

THE AXIS OF DUFFOUS
Early yesterday, representatives from the moderate republicans, "Cut & Run Conservatives" and the MSM signed a compact, promising to get along for ever more. The agreement, called "The Proxy of the Duped", is being hailed by everyone who was there, as a landmark achievement in the cause to get along. A spokesman for the MSM said, "Wow ! Can you believe how mother$!%*!ing stupid those guys are ? I mean, WOW !!!" A spokeman for the "C&RCs" said, "NO! I ain't leavin' til I get me some grubb ! Hey sissy boy, what does 'proxy' mean anyhow ?" When a leader of the "moderate republicans" was sought, they scattered or hid in the bathrooms, hoping no one would notice, until it was all over and they could come back to see what they had signed so as to know what to say in their press release to be issued the following day. END

I wish I could type better. Haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet ! Will try again tommorow, 2spot -over and out...

More Great Humor from Camp that gave us JF Kerry

With humor this sharp, who needs crippling,mind altering depression ?

YouSee-BS Evening News

YouSEE-BS Evening News

Tonight on the youSEE-BS evening news fraudcast: Madonna "liberates" her child; New controversial Iranian infomercial; What were they going to call the I-Pod, originally ?; Sen. Harry Reid accepts numerous accolades/awards from guess who ?

And much much more. But first, a word from some capitalist lacky:

Can't make it to the beheading ? Something happened on the way to the genecide ? Well, worry no more my devilish friend because we have the answer to all of your attrocity coordinating delemas, it's, GO TO EVIL LAIR !TM When you want to cause horror and mayhem but just can't get there, remember the first name in events unsane,it's always, GO TO EVIL LAIR !TM
Say you're raping a young kidnapped starlet but, Oh Darn ! They're holding the mass execution at the same time ! Fret no more my strangely groomed friend because you have, GO TO EVIL LAIR !TM
testimonial
"I saw it at work with my own eyes ! My dear freind, Mr 'Shmussein' I'll call him, used it all of the time ! Whether there was a beheading in B--dad, a hand removal in B--ra, a de-tounging in T-krit or a genecide in the K--dish region, it was as if he was right there enjoying those moments in all of their splendor and 'dying color' ! All while raping one of our, er um, his countries poor unfortunate victims of a targeted and very tragic 'suicide'. Wink wink,nudge nudge, you know what I mean ? Man I tell ya, that 'Shmadaam' really knew how to party." Eason J. CNN, Georgia

So always remember, and don't forget, despots on the go and cave hopping terrorists alike never go crazy, they, GO TO EVIL LAIRTM
GO TO EVIL LAIR is a product of Oil For Bombs inc. which is a subsidiary of Go-Tell-It-On-The-U.N. Industries
OFFICIAL SPONSOR 'HILLARY IN 08' CAMPAIGN

And now, tonights spews:
First up, as has been the pattern with liberal icons who rip the Bush administration to shreds, Harry Reid today was honored with a library dedicated in his name by G. Bush #41 and recieved the first ever, "You are the greatest human being that has ever lived" award from George W. himself. The latter ceremony included the unveiling of a marble statue in the apparent likeness of Sen. Reid in the stance of holding the entire world on his shoulders.
The President smiled politely as Sen. Reid responded to all of the well deserved tributes with a small statement of facts. "This President is a blight on humanity. I predict that he will eventually preside over the total destruction of the Earth itself. Oh yeah, and thanks for the statue or whatever you stupid loser !"
A fox news attackdog reporter was heard to say, "But..." just before he was knocked unconscious and arrested for assaulting Senate royalty, uh, the attempted assassination of a sitting US Senator.

In other news, the worlds greatest entertainer -next to Babs that is- Madonna, has decided to do the right thing and free her child from her own motherly grip, returning her to the soveriegn in which she was born. Her belief in the "Church of Dema-Commie-Kofi-ism" requires that she loosen her grip on the concept of "personal accountabilty".
"That is a mode that's sooo passe, I mean really !

Now for tonights "lib-bits" segment:
Since the sanctions imposed on North Korea started, their great and glorious leader has begun marketing a new item on all of the Al Jazeera and similar networks like CNN, ABC, NBC, MSNBC and of course, right here on yours truly's network. This great and wonderful new technological wonder ? The "Warhead Kozy" ! Check it out late night or just go to www.youseebs.com for the link.

Finally in our, "Watchoo talkin' 'bout", culture segment, a story so lame that only I could tell it: Knock knock. Who's there ? Juwana. Juwana who ? Juwana know the names they tried for the "I-pod" before it took over the world ? Sure. Well, there was the "me-me-me-me-me-machine" and of course for the hip-hop culture there was the "FUMAN." . We'll let you guess what that meant, ha ha. Goodnight for now and remember that the "Freedom to be correct" segment will return tommorow with Noam Chomsky bringing things back over towards the right from where they've been lately. For now, just call me Katie... suckers...

Imagine...no injustice...

Just some headlines I'd like to see...

Heavily Armed Man Pitchforked by Amish Schoolmarm
Iranian Nuke Program Bogged Down by 'I.C.L.U.'
Foley & Frank Elope, Say "Screw the Establishment"
Nurse Beaten by Angry Patients Feigning Comas
Titan Breaks Ankle Attempting to Stomp on Foe
Webb Exposed: "Lets get that F'ing Kike,n-Lover Allen !"
Doc,Springer,Oprah ratings: Zero Point Zero !
Jesse Jackson to Corp World:"To You I give Reparations, I've Been a Real roid, Now Save Your 'Preparations"
Last Known Jihadist Blows-Up Making Bomb
Study Suggests?: Men Right "Sometimes"
Sorros,moveon to world "Sorry, We'll Knock it off "
World Rid of - Child Preds Commit Mass Suicide
Limbaugh Unveils National Monument to Self
Yankees Finish 23rd Straight Campaign in Cellar
Black Helicopter Lands on M Moore/Last Words-"I Told You so"
NY Times Expose:Class. Gov. Docs. Show-"We're Main Threat to National Security". Pelosi Demands Spec. Pros.
Fitzgerald to Libby,Country:"I'm a Dem Hack Fraud"
Study: Capitalism Linked to Prosperity
College Students Everywhere Tar & Feather Faculties
Worlwide "Thank You America Day" Celebration a Success

Drink NEW "Republican Rule-Aid" and your dreams will be that sweet

And That's the Way it Isn't

Oh the Humanity ! Disaster on the Beach!

And that's the way it isn't
Sunday, October 15, 2006 8:25 PM

Typical news report from a disaster or possible disaster on any given day, on any given news fraudcast......

"This is Geraldo Rivera on site here in Honolulu Hawaii with a live report of the carnage, real and otherwise. We have reports of dozens of mothers who fear their babies and small children may get woozy from all of the horribly violent, gentle swaying that some of the higher buildings are experiencing, so they are flinging them from highrise apartment buildings and hotels rather than let them live through this awful,awful,awful,awful,awful,awful symptom of the failed Bush administration. Oh my God ! Oh my God ! Oh my God !"
(meant to be off mic, "Just give me the damm thing !" - off camera assistant then hands GR a small child) "Look at this ! Look at this ! Look at this ! This is a baby ! A baby ! Do something ! Would you all just do something !?! Look at the baby ! Oh my God ! Oh my God ! Oh my God !" (diminutive Filipino woman hits Geraldo upside head. Retrieves infant) GR- "It's okay ! It's okay everybody. I have successfully reunited that poor victim of global warming and the geopolitical policies of the GOP - which lets face it, are two sides of the same coin - with it's poor mother. In closing, I'd just like to say. It's not easy being me but I'm the only one who can do it. From the,'Disaster on the Beach', I'm Geraldo Rivera, reporting and...just doing my job...one life rescue at a time...back to you Shep."

Thanks Geraldo. We are going right now to a live report from the Komeoniwannawikiwiki Tiki Bar on the island of Maui, go ahead Greta.

"This is Greta von Vandersloot and I've got to tell you....this is the most horriffic thing I have ever experienced. We won't show you what is just to the left of me, but it is absolute carnage ! Right now I'd have to say there are at least a dozen dead or injured Yankees in this room. Apparent victims of a precautionary straifing by this Israely pilot, Hank Greenberg Jr.. Mr. Greenberg, don't you feel guilty for this carnage ? I mean yes, they did blow it in the League Championship Series. But was this really necessary ?" Mr.Greenberg "I had my orders. There was a quake. Once it got to the Yankees, we knew we had to stop it. The chain reaction could have led to the destruction of every ginjoint, pool hall and tiki bar for miles." von Vandersloot: "Don't you feel guilty for all of the innocent barmaids and exotic dancers who had to die for your ORDERS ?" Mr. Greenberg: "Hey honey, I just do my job. Oh Yeah. Go Tigers !" Reporter von Vandersloot then broke down in tears and converted to the church of "Dema-commy-kofi-ism". Later, the "dead and injured" Yankees, drank some coffee and went home in "Mr. Greenberg's" Hummer.

Meanwhile, back at FOX studios they roll out the title of their current reason to exist "Disaster on the Beach, What did Hastert Know, and when did he Know it ?"

This is Shepard Smith and we have breaking news from Nawlens Louisiana: Mayor "Wrong Ray" Naggin has just called out the National Guard and sent them on a road mission to Hawaii in support of the terrible attrocity there. "Wrong Ray" : "I have poisanally instwucted all of our bus maintainance poisonal to remove the earl from ALL of our school buses so as to avoid the sort of toxic soup that ocoied in the last devastatin' hoyacane. I understand that the quakes fault line has ekstended to the Oakland Athletics clubhouse and will be wreckin' havoc right here vay soon so I have also awded 10 tousand body bags and my law enfoicement poisanell is ol'raidy b'gun stuffin' dem sucka's fulla fokes dat is in impendin' dainja. Espaishally if day is white. Nahlens will rimain, a chowklit cita !" Shep: "The man is a saint. If only we had leadership like that in Washington." (breaks down and cries like a little girl)

bottom of screen crawl---- GOP disaster in Hawaii----Hundreds suspected dead as killer tsunami, triggered by administrations foriegn policy, rips exclusively through non-white areas of islands----Sen. Akaka says,"G. Bush hates Samoan people"---Republicans in congress demand Hastert explain where he was---Hastert appologizes for insensitively in not warning any gays who might have been present at apex of GOP quakes attack---Death toll now confirmed at up to many thousands and probably more---Stockmarket hits new high of 89,000---Stanford geophyisicist,"I think it was one of those things that just happens sometimes"---Stanford fires unbalanced professor for obscene comments regarding Bush admins. lack of responsibility in GOP coordinated, quake attack on Hawaii---Berkley faculty storms Stanford, beheads rampaging geophys. prof. for crimes against nature---Hague approves/endorses Berkley action---Stockmarket levels off---Hawaii rescue teams to hold press conf. on count/status of dead/dying---Honolulu native, "Whoa, I mean, like I was so dizzy"---Adjusted casualty count in: 0 dead, 0 injured, still, many outraged at lack of help from F.E.M.A.---Geraldo/Shep go on vacation to Hawaii, marvel at empty beaches,"Those poor people. If only we could have saved them all..."---

later on down the bottomline crawl...
4th straight year of intense coverage on "The Disaster on the Beach" inspires prisoners at Gitmo to retaliate against pol pot-ish, nazi like, gulag running guards. Strangle several with tv cable. Crush rest with big screen tv's---Sen. Durbin lauds efforts of "poor oppressed brown people. No longer will you have to bow down to the jackbooted, rethuglican guards."---God says "Screw it ! I'm ending this thing tommorow. Kiss your sorry butts goodbye."---Pres. H. Clinton, "This is your Bush legacy America."----Pres. Clinton hit by lightning strike---Rev. Falwell, "Apparently, He just couldn't wait one more day for her to be gone."--- God to reconsider impending doom action---GOP leadership officially condemns Falwell statement--- Space shuttle crew reports siting of giant fuse being lit at N.Pole---KABLOOIE !

American and Proud of it.: Democrat values.#links

The following is a link to a very funny - and accurate - post.

American and Proud of it.: Democrat values.#links