An interview with Randolph Scott
Writer of Useless, Sap-Sucking, Yelowness : Mr. Scott, why did you seek to have this interview ?
R.S: Well young man, it is becoming more and more apparent to those of us who've passed into the great beyond, that America has lost her way. That she has lost her once undeniable greatness and moral virtue, and I was selected to deliver a message of grave importance to all. Pun not necessarily unintended.
W.U.S.S.Y. : I see. At least I think so, that last sentence was a humdinger.
RS: Yes it was. Now let me speak more frankly. America, it is time for you to get your s**t together...
W.U.S.S.Y. :Mr. Scott !!!
RS: Don't you "Mr. Scott !!!" me boy! Do you have any idea what it looks like down here to those of us up there ? Well let me tell you somethin',it aint good ! Jerry Springer, Brittney Spears, a tv program called "Wife Swap", the word gay is a euphemism for...for...well,somethin' we never used to talk about in polite company. And what about your schools ? A kid can get kicked out for drawing a picture of a gun and arrested for "sex harrassment" if he hugs a girl !
The whole place has gone crazy! Sayin' "Merry Christmas" now will get you similar scrutiny to joinin' the communist party in 1950. Speakin' english in a resturaunt will get you the "Hot spittle hot plate special" in L.A. and kicked off a school bus in Dimmasota. Folks,you are blowin' it and I am here to deliver a much needed wake up call.
W.U.S.S.Y. : Well, I don't think you can hardly reference a couple of...
RS: And what about Minni, or is that Mickey Mouse, sota anyway? I mean. it's bad enough that the symbol formerly known as Prince and McGovern both come from there, but now they feel compelled to elect not only a muslim to congress, but a damm militant one at that! I thought California would've screwed that pooch loooong before any midwestern state would. That is,if'n I ever coulda imagined such a thing happenin' in the first place! No! No! This can not stand! This must not stand! It won't!
W.U.S.S.Y. : Mr. Scott,if I could just have a conversation with you,I'm sure that we can come to some kind of understanding.
RS: OK, as long as it's you who's doin' the understandin'.
W.U.S.S.Y. : Fine. Now,can you tell me what it is that you hope to accomplish with this...return.
RS: Oh don't getch yer shorts in a bunch kid,this aint the second comin' or nothin'. That's way off still. I'm just here to get the word out that the Man is POed and I mean royally! Truth be told,this was a volunteer mission. When the "Old Man" loses His cool...well, let's just say,when the opportunity came a knockin', I didn't hesitate to book it on outta there.
W.U.S.S.Y. : "Book it" huh? That's from a vernacular I wouldn't have associated with you.
RS: Oh yeah ( looking sheepish), we still get "Mystery Science Theater 3000" up there and they always go to the '70s era stuff for there boomer fans.Man that show's funny. Did you see the one where the guy,or maybe it was the robot who said...
W.U.S.S.Y. : Mr. Scott, can we get down to bus...
RS: No no, this was funny. There was this asteroid cluster see? And they're all chunky and clustery. Anyway, one of 'em says,"Honey Bunches of Death!"(laughs) Get it? It's a cluster of asteroids and he says...Ah nevermind. You look like the type what agrees with kickin' little kids off school buses for not bein' able ta "spreckin zee Spanish" or ruining a perfectly good word like gay...
W.U.S.S.Y. : Mr. Scott, can we please...?
RS: OK,OK, you don't have to nag me about it! Hey, your not one of those...
W.U.S.S.Y. : Your mission Mr. Scott! The reason you came here. Please!
RS: Well, yes, as I was sayin', America is playin' Russian roulette with a full load in almost every chamber and it's just gotta stop. Seein' as how you all got fat dumb and crazy from livin' in the lap of unearned luxury, you might think that we'd get the same way, but in heaven, there's such a thing as clarity, ya know what I mean? It doesn't hurt that we're all in the direct line of fire of the source of all consciousness and common sense I'll admit, but folks, how many times do you have to ram yourself in the face with a red hot brandin' iron before you catch on that it aint such a good idea?
W.U.S.S.Y. : As in?
RS: OK,for instance,on September 11th 2001, a bunch of hate filled,racist,woman hating,child abusing,would love to personally behead every "gay" on the planet themselves (say,what is the equivalent of masoginy when it's yer own sex anyway?) killers, realize there dream of meeting up with ol' "Muhammed Ali Acksenfree" himself,on the orders of a leader of many more of these same kinds of animals, and 5+ years later the country can hardly muster a collective yawn in the general direction of the center of the war on that scum. And just as a side note,I live in heaven. I work in heaven.Heaven is my home, and brother, there aint no murder bombers in heaven.
W.U.S.S.Y. : And how do you, a "B" movie star, expect to assuage the current mood of discontent with the so called "war on terror"?
RS: "B" movie star huh? Man, our agent Rush is right,you guys really don't know how to be happy. Your side did win last November, right? You're correct on the nomenclature point though. It's a war on islamo-nazi fanatics,not a "war on terror". Although I'm fearin' that you think it's neither.
As for what I'm gonna do,I'm doin' it. You are getting a direct message from on high to straighten up and act like you love this gift of life at least half as much as your Creator, who gave it to you, loves you.
You've fallen.That's fine,He as much as expected that.You are forgiven. His blood is proof of that. But now, now folks,is the time for honoring His glory. He is not without a sense of humor but you are running a series of tests that would try the patience of any loving Creator. And seeing as how He is 1) The only Creator and 2) Not the one that requires testing, I am simply trying to afford you the opportunity to repent and save yourselves, or at least make a showing of a will to survive that is greater than the bastiges who will surely -as evidenced by 3000 dead on that sunny Tueday morn- gut,shoot,slit,nuke and otherwise destroy you.
Do ya get me?
W.U.S.S.Y. : What? Oh I'm sorry, I just had to get a listen on this bitchin' new tune by the "Insane Clown Possie" on my "I-pod". Can we do this some other time?
The New York Times
World to End Nigh!
Immediately Following Randy Scott film fest